The diary of a mad white woman

ok so what the hell. Men drive me crazy. You think that want one thing then its not what they really want. I either suck at relationships or just cant take them at face value. I sit here trying o figure out what i need to do to make a relationship be what it is suppose to be. I push thats what I do. Why im truly not sure just wish I didnt. Feeling sorry for my self doesnt seem to be the trick to the whole game. or is it just what happens when the insucrity hits you.. I need to feel secure in relationships then I love them. Do we all have them or is it just me??????

Time heals all wounds but I never get around to healing to know if that statement is true or not. Its not the thought of being alone its just wanting to be with someone and spending your time with the one. How do we know if the one is it?? I keep asking that alot. I always second guess myself just because its my nature. There are times that I just don't want to be here and go through the same shit for the curse that I have set myself up for time and time again. If ther is one thng that goes my way in life I would be a happy camper. Life has its challenges but Im getting pretty sick and tired of the course that this life had me on. Pitty is not what I want but answers to a screwed up world that I have created.

Have you ever wondered where your life is going and what is going to take place in it? I catch my self doing this alot. It's not that i wish its if my wishes come true. I focus on things that I should put aside and focus more on whats at hand. I have all these things that go through my head that I need to stop them and just live. Tyson is finally coming home to stay with me instead of staying with his dad and now I have to be the mom that he needs. School is just around the corner and the summer has gone so fast. I have been this person that has needed someone to make me feel instead of it being upon me to have it take place. My past relationships have prevented me from being the person that I am with everyone else that I come in contact with. Why is this? I find that the person that I am with now has shown me that being me is not a bad thing at all. The smart ass that I am the strong headed, out of control, sometimes unfocused and ya the low self esteem. Wow I think I would run!!!! This is all sounding like a big package to take on.

So ok my question is how in the hell do you tell someone that they make BIG mistakes and they need to get there shit together. All in a nice way? I've never been one to just come out and say what I need to say at the time that it needs to be said. I'm the type of person that there feelings mean more to me then flat out telling them the truth. No one wants to be hurt but I know that in general when you need to do it get it done. Life passes by so fast that we take the things that we know and stick with it. They say that it is easier to hurt the ones that you love then it is the other outside of the box. I guess because you know that or you think that they will always love you no matter what. I have said things to the one that I love to switch my anger to the other then dealing with the one that it is direct to. It's stop here and now. No one ever wins and I come out losing.

Looking at the BIG picture!

So by now I see that a few people have been reading this little tid bit of information that I have been leaving behind. Life is not as easy as one would think it should be. The things we want for ourselves are at the tip of our finger but we just have no clue on how to achive them. I guess you could say that life is a learning curve. I have had my guard up for so long that it is hard for me to see when to let it fall at the time that it is needed. There is no trying for me to be happy any more or wondering when it will happen. It seems that all of the things that I have hoped and dreamed about are finally falling into place. It has taken me time to look back and see that the impossible is taken place and now it is time to enjoy what life has to offer. Rough or smooth I wouldnt change a thing looking back on it all now. Shelby is so going to have a ride of life if she doesnt change what she has going on. I hope for the best with her and love her for the strong willed woman that she has become and is becoming. Tyson is another story. He is the boy that is out to please others even if he hates to. He is going to be fine and kind hearted as always. Jess well she is a little Rod.

So I guess that I am NOT relationship material. I decided the best thing for me is to just stay drunk the rest of my days. Just kidding!!!! I wish that I could get my shit together and enjoy what I have. My house is coming along and I was hoping well I need to be in the end of this month what a pain.

Don't live for the future, live for the now.

Why is it that when we think we have it all figured out then something comes along and changes it all over again. That seems be the story of my life. I was told by a friend that the best thing to do is just be with myself . I know what she is telling me is what I need to hear, its the understanding that I have a problem with. I had my break down Sat night when I was yes, by myself. Had dinner with the girls then beer at the owl and just didn't feel like I fit there anymore. I guess it is time to do something different.

Well here I am again.. SINGLE of course and as always hating it. It just seems like I can not get my life together at all. I always think that im doing the right thing but find out later that there is never the right thing. I'm so tired of hurting and crying , when is it time for it all to stop and just be????

Some day I will get what I think I need and deserve, when that will be I have no idea its not like I'm not getting younger or smarter. My whole adult life I have struggled with ME. I have no idea where to begin anything. I just wanted to have this not perfect but put together relationship and I can't seem to keep any of them. I turn to people that I think I can trust, I get my heart broke or better yet fried. I just need someone to ground me and let me be me.

When will it be my turn for just the calm. I have three great kids and love them all. Ty wants to go live with his dad and I'm ok with that. I think that he needs him more then he needs me at this point in his life. Shelby I'm hoping for the best. She is the whole package for some great guy if she would just let herself be. Jessie is a handful at times but I'm thankful for that also.

I am a person that needs to have someone in my life because I want to spend it with a great guy that can handle me and the package that I bring to the table. I want the kids to feel like that can do anything that I want to. Enough of my going on and on and on. Till I have another break day which I'm sure will be later tonight.....

Kids!

OK, I really love my kids but it seems that the more I give them they more they want. (I think ).I'm a mother who is always trying to please and get nothing in return Ya, I know im the mom. Shelby is 17 going on so she thinks 25 and Ty is 14 going pretty normal then comes Ms. Moss the boss so she thinks who is 7 going on whatever she is feeling at the time. All have there personalities that are great they are sometimes more then I can handle at the same time. Lord help me.

WEEKEND!

Yeah, the weekend is finally here. It is going to be great. Ty is going snowboarding and who knows what Shelby has planned I'm sure alot. Me and the rest of the clan will have to take it day by day. Till Monday.......

My life in the fast lane...

Ya, I guess you could say that I have know idea what I am doing with any of this blog or my face but it sure is fun to try it out. The holidays were great and I hope that the kids received everything that there hearts desired because my checkbook is empty...