Been forever

  The year is 2025, and I have not written on my blog for years, in fact. I'm a 55-year-old woman who is now on disability due to a cancer diagnosis back in 2016. 

My sisters and I had been taking care of my cute mom for quite some time. She had also been diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's.  It was a pretty rough few years for us all, which also included my amazing dad (whom I miss every day). I had been feeling crappy for a while, but pushed it off until the pain was tolerable. I made an appointment at the Preston clinic with whoever could get me in. I was seen and told that I had a bladder infection, which was in January 2016. Later that next month, still no better, I went back, and I had a full workup from one of the lady doctors there. Still thinking it was a bladder infection and upped my dosage. The next month, still feeling awful and no relief in sight, I went back again(dumb idea), and they gave me a shot this time of a big dose of an antibiotic.  My mom was a handful to say the least, strong-willed and strong-minded, and all our time was devoted to her, so I hoped for the best and coped through the pain until I couldn't. Mom passed away on May 14, 2016. 

We had all gathered at their home, she had taken a turn for the worse, and the family that we are gathered on a Saturday afternoon to wait. Her breaths were shallow, and she was in and out and always looking up at the corner of the room. With dad by her side, rubbing her hand, we thought we would take him for a ride just around the hill and up to Franklin. We had a wonderful young lady who watched over my folks and took amazing care of them (Natasha from the west side). We knew she would be in good hands. By the time we had gotten back, she had left us to go see your family on the other side. Boyd was holding her hand when she left, and he was totally distraught and left the home right after. She always did give him a run for his money!! We miss you, Mom, but so glad that the pain you felt through the process is over. Why is it hell to get out of this world? 

(This is Natasha, the caregiver. She was always there for both my parents.

After mom had left, things had settled down, and yes, I still felt like crap. I finally made the best decision that I could have ever made and called my qyno in Logan, Dr. Ken Wade. Whom I had gone to since I was 17 years old. I had to wait a few weeks until my appointment, which after the waiting was in June 22 of 2016. Ken came in and asked what was going on. I had told him that I just didn't feel good and hadn't for some time. The pain was coming from my back. He lay me down and started feeling my abdomen, he said You have a mass, I can feel it. He sent me right over to get an ultrasound, and ironically, the tech was my mom's friend's(Dorothy Workman)  daughter, Rosie. She started looking and couldn't give me the details, but did say that the blood was going in the wrong direction, which somehow was an indication of cancer. Not knowing that at the time, but still calm, I walked back down to Ken's office to wait for him to go over the results. He came in and said Sam, it looks to maybe be cancer. I'm still looking at it, but I will call you when I know more. I left distraught and not sure what to really do, I called Fred to let him know, not sure what it would be like for me as far as work went. I don't really remember the call or the words of our conversation at this time, but I know Fred was kind and caring. I came to the shop where Lexy was doing hair and had a total meltdown. We hugged, and I just said I'm going to work. No need for me to sit around here and wait, I told her. I left. I got the call on the way, and yes, it was cancer. The young nurse had let me know that a place in Salt Lake would be getting a hold of me to schedule an appointment. I had never heard of the hospital that they had me going to, but at the time, I was just in slow motion it felt. I walked in Valley, and by chance, Rachel was walking by. We walked back out the front door, and all I could say was I have fucking cancer......

We cried, and I headed back home and called Brady on my way. I couldn't stop crying and just said I have cancer. He met me at Mom and Dad's house as I paced the floor. The whole family gathered and supported me; I don't know what I would have done without them. 

The results were given to me on a Thursday, and on Friday, I had to go in and have a blood transfusion

(My brother in law Casey)

 By looking at this picture, you could tell that I was highly anemic. This pic was taken within a few weeks of my surgery. Looking at it now, and the one from my mom's funeral, I should have known we had a problem. As I waited for the Oncologist to call me, I was feeling like crap and absorbing the results of it all. My sisters on Saturday night got together and decided that they would take my life into their hands. I'm so thankful that they did too. Diane called the Huntsman to see how to get me in, and they said that I had to be seen at UofU's emergency, so my sisters swooped me up on Sunday morning, and we headed out for a girls' trip. We got to the University of Utah's emergency department, they helped with my pain, and we were set. I always tell whoever asks about my journey that I wouldn't have known what to have done if it wasn't for my advocates Lexy and Diane, with Laurel also telling them what was best by way of her friend, who was a nurse. Within the next few days, I received a call from Huntsman, and an appointment was set up for the next week with Dr. Soisson. 

(This is a picture of my dad and me after my blessing on that Saturday) xoxo

Brady and I met with Dr. Soisson, and he had looked at the scans. He said I see you have a mass but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure what we have until we get in there. Surgery was scheduled for July 5th, 2016. At the time, I worked for an outstanding company, Valley Implement. I remember bits and pieces of this time because it was just so much coming at me, and I just didn't remember it all. Richard Nelson and Matt Wakley, whom I worked with, came over the Saturday before I left for surgery to give me a blessing. My whole family was there and had been for some time that whole week; it was a sober feel, but you could feel the love all around. Brady and I headed out on Sunday night and stayed overnight at Little America to be at the Huntsman early in the morning on Monday. We could hear all the fireworks going off throughout the night, but I was in so much pain that I just lay in bed and worried and not knowing what my future was going to look like. I was a mom to three children, Shelby, Tyson, and Jessie. Also, my first grandson, Kaisen. I really wasn't sure how this was going to go, but I knew it was coming.

July 5th 2016

I had to be there early in the morning. I really can't remember a lot after that morning, but to give you the skinny, Dr. Soisson did how ever, write a whole page about the procedure  

Exam was performed. This was consistent with her having a fixed mass filling of the pelvis that

appeared to be slightly more left sided than right and arises to her umbilicus. lt was immovable.

The abdomen, perineum and vagina were prepped and draped in a sterile fashion. A transurethral

Foley catheter was placed. We made an incision from a point just above the umbilicus to the

symphysis and we entered the abdomen Upon entering the abdomen, we noticed an obvious

malignancy. She had ascites and some of thiswas collected and sentforwashings. Therewere

bulky large tumor metastases on the anterior bladder peritoneum. There was bulky tumor

metastasis on the peritoneum just at the lunction of the bladder and the uterus, there was an

extremely large left ovarian tumor that had the omentum densely adherent to it, the right tube and

ovary was normal. There was a Iarge right retroperitoneal metastasis measuring 4 x 4 cm. There

were multiple large bulky tumor metastases on the right hemidiaphragm. Both paracolic gutters

were normal. The small bowel was normal from the ligament of Treitz to the mid ileum. There was

an extremely large tumor mass involving the base of the cecum and terminal ileum in the vicinity of

the appendix. Based on her presentation, it was my opinion that the patient l,ikely had an

appendiceal cancer or cecal cancer with metastases to her left ovary and multiple peritoneal

metastases. I transected the left round ligament and entered the retroperitoneal spaces and

identified the ureter. The ovarian vessels were isolated, cross-clamped. transected and ligated

times 2. We then crossclamped all of the omental vessels from the transverse colon and ligated

them with O Vicryl and removed the left tube and ovary and omentum en bloc. A frozen section

analysis of thiswas consistentwith a mucinous tumor, likely metastaticfrom the appendix lthen

dissected the left anterior bladder peritoneum off of the abdominal wall completely mobilizing

across the dome of the bladder. I was able to completely mobilize and removed all of the tumor

nodules on the anterior bladder peritoneum We then mobilized the ascendtng colon. We

transected the ileum about 15 cm from the ileocecal valve with an 80-mm GIA stapler. We

transected the ascending colon approximately 1O cm from the ileocecal valve with the GIA stapler.

All of the mesenteric vessels were isolated and ligated with 0 Vicryl and we completely removed

the cecum and ileum and isolated and ligated the ovarian vessels times 2 with 0 Vicryl and

removed the ovary en bloc with the ileum and ascending colon. We were then able to place the

Bookwalter retractor. We dissected both ureters off the medial leaf of the peritoneum. We were

then able to remove all of the tumor plaque on the right posterior pelvic peritoneum. The uterine

vessels were isolated, cross-clamped, transected and ligated. The uterus and all the pelvic

peritoneum were then removed en bloc. The vagina was closed with interrupted sutures of 0

Vicryl. This removed all tumors from the pelvis. We then removed the right pelvic lymph node

metastases. We then reexamined the small bowel There was no tumor nodules on the small

bowel. We anastomosed the ileum to the ascending colon with the same 80-mm GIA stapler. We

oversewed the staple line with interrupted sutures of 3-0 silk. We then repositioned the Bookwalter

retractor. We curetted all of the tumor from the right diaphragm. By doing this, we were able to

grossly remove all tumor from the abdomen and pelvis. We then rechecked the anastomosis, it

was wateftight and airtight. We then irrigated the abdomen and pelvis with 6 L of normal saline.

We changed our gown and glove prior to closure of the abdomen. We then closed the fascia with

a running nonlocking suture of #1 PDS. Subcutaneous tissues were closed with 2-0 Vicryl. Skin

was closed using staples. The patient tolerated all of this well and left the suite in good condition.

In the end, it was determined that I had Stage 1 Uterus cancer and Stage 4 Colon cancer in the large intestine. Mastiated through my abdomen. 

 

The surgery was around 5 hours after they wheeled me into my room. My family was all waiting for me

In Brady fashion, he was trying to make a funny, and I had no haha in me, and told everyone that he wasn't that funny. I was at Huntsman for about a week until I could come home. I had to poop before they would let me leave, and I walked the halls twice or more times a day to get things moving. I was cut from the middle of my ribs to the cestion scar that I had after Tyson and Jess were born. Looking out of my room, you could see the helicopter over at the U of U hospital. It came and went all night long, it seemed like. Brady was there with me for half of the week, and I sent him home. Shelby stayed and brought me home on Friday. I was so glad to be home!!

I was introduced to my oncologist, Dr. Garido, a few weeks after my surgery. From there, we got a plan together and put a port in after a few weeks, and started chemotherapy. I also have what is called Lynch Syndrome, which means 

💡 What Lynch Syndrome Means — in Real-Life Terms

🧬 Lynch syndrome is something you were born with

It’s a genetic condition that:

• You did not cause

• You could not prevent

• You were born with from your parents

It affects how your body:

• Fixes damaged DNA

• Prevents cancer from forming

Because that repair system doesn’t work perfectly, cancer can form more easily in certain organs.

🎯 What Cancers Are Most Common With Lynch Syndrome?

People with Lynch syndrome have a higher chance of getting cancer in:

• ✅ Colon

• ✅ Uterus (endometrial)

• Ovaries

• Stomach

• Small intestine

• Urinary system

• Pancreas (less common)

So when you had:

• Endometrial cancer

• Colon cancer

That combination is actually a classic Lynch syndrome pattern.
It explains why you had both cancers

 Through this journey, I have had various types of chemotherapy and radiation. In the last almost 10 years, I'm still fighting and living my life thanks to the support of my amazing group of Family, Friends, and the silent ones who gave money to help me through the early years of this disease. As I end for the night, my journey will be going on as will I, updating this blog, if not for me, for my kids to look back at the life we have lived together. 

  

 

 

. 

Feb1

I do have to say that today was a day that is the same as every other Saturday in my life, get up go to mom and dads laugh wih levxy then onto the joys of Alzheimer's . I will never understand for whatever reason why god gives us challenges in life to see how strong we are because if this is strong I would be Arnold .  Stepping inside the kitchen from the shop is a different world all in its self, we have on one end the real world and the other my mom and dad's world. Dad being the strongest man I have ever know to this man whom has become angry with whatever he needs too. This I would say , he's a  Larsen.  Love him but such a Pain in my butt when the world or propane company doesn't go his way. Lol   Taking  mom on a ride to latienda the ritewoods was a good call this morning due to the fact it just need to happen for the fact it helps levxy and my dad.

Jessie has finally gotten her braces on this Friday and pretty sore as of Saturday so for now the night will be long.

The life of change

I first would like to start off by saying, from the start if this blog I had know clue what this blogging was about so my first few posts are probably about hurting anger and frustration from kids. I'm taking this on in a total different way and wanting to share my life experience for the kids to see.  My parents are wonderful in every way and very, very honored to have them both.  My mom has Alzheimer's and has has it for quite sometime, dealing with this day in and day out is a frustration beyond description. Life according to sam has nothing on the life according to Gloria (mom).

Starting over

It's a new day with a new life!!!

Learning my lesson

Why is it that my words can be short but no sweet about them. Trying to tell people what I think and saying them in words that they might understand are so not me. Talking to my kids feels like heartburn. Very proud that Miss Shelby has a job and willing to put fourth the energy to make it happy. Makes me proud in so many ways.

Can I remember how to do this?

I'm hoping that I can remember to do this and look back and read it. Life has changed so much since two years have past married to a wonderful man and couldn't ask for a better person to be with. I'm starting this whole thing over now. This is my journal for me And my kids to look back on and remember me. Day 1 since the last time that I have sat down to write so much has changed. I'm 41 married for the third time to a wonderful man that I went to school with. Life has changed as I have known it. Let me start off with my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about five years ago and my dad is In his eighths and just not that the same as he was. So the taking care of them has taken a lot of priority to what is normal. I thought moving home would be the right thing but I never would have guessed that being the mom to my mom is what I would have been doing. She sometimes has days where she seems pretty normal and then days where she is totally off. My dad looks so tired all the time due to the fact that he takes care of her 24/7. I'm a very proud grandma of a handsome little 2 year old boy. I feel like I make a better grandma then I do a mother, only for the fact of the out come of my two older kids at this time. They are trying to figure out their spot in this world. I'm a very proud mom with them and know deep down they will do the best that they can. I know that I can't catch up with the this first blogg of a new beginning but will keep up as I go!!!

Fact or Fiction

Wow! I'm at a lose for words today. Dating is something that is a game that I'm finding out. You either love it or you hate it. Hate the game not the player.. This is true:) Finding out that relationships are worth fighting for because on the flip side single you have to mingle and truly I mingle all day that I just want one person to come home to and listen and wrap there arms around me and not have to see who's going to text or who is going to call. Like having the time alone but it gets pretty lonely when your in your time of need . I want to believe that there is one person out there for me but the circle is getting smaller. You have to weed out the ones that are not your type after a couple of weeks of texting and a few dates with them then you think ya this is not the one. Why is it the one that you love never loves you back and why is it that love is only a word anymore?????????

Ya thats what I thought

I truly thought that people could be friends until there not. When shit gets said and your friend is there but doesn't back you up what is that call?? No friend at all. Over the last month my life has done a full circle as far as how trusting people there is now way in hell it will happen again. I thought I knew who they all were guess I was mistaken...... Won't happen again. My dating life is not going to happen no man can be trusted at all.

Ya, that's what I said!!!

So my lastnight was hell. Got to sleep a 3 then up at 6. My ass was kicked before the day even started. My friend brought me back to life and the day seemed so much better. I had a lunch date with someone that I had been set up with through my boss and pretty damn nervous for it but went with a good attitude and had a great time. Laughing and talking and thinking wow is this what a true date is never really been on any without falling head over heals. Turned out that laughing and talking for that hour was nice and relaxing. I came to the conclusion that there is only one person that should make me feel like hell and that's me. My mouth and fingers took over my texting ability and wrote zinger that I didn't know I had anymore. Im tired of being walked on and talked about the games are high school stints and of course I did it. I feel bad for it for this is not me but it felt so good to let it out. If the person dosen't want to talk then he can read them and read i'm sure he did.

There have been so many people tell me that I just wasn't the same as I was and Mike E. said what happened to you were did the fun posative person go and when does she plan on coming back. I never thought that so many people could tell a person by there emotions but I guess you can. I took a long hard look at it till 3 in the morning and went holy shit Sam would not let this happen over and over and you know what I didn't ha..... Sam is back :)

Again

Tell me please when will I smile and laugh again. I go through stages all the time . I cry and I'm pissed. I'm pissed then I cry. I just want to stop hurting and the roller coaster ride that so many people have shared with me. Thanks for the people who have supported me and sat with me in my time of being in a rut......

Feeling for that someone

Why is it when you feel something for someone then your world changes but only for the time that you feel. When you stop to think about it then it all changes again. When you think about it that's just what we do. Think to much! I have let go of so many things in such a short period of time that my head feels like spinning off. I miss the people that came and went so fast but made an impact on me and glad that they were there for me . I wouldn't have made it without them. For the last couple of weeks the numbness has settled in and reality has finally hit , letting goes has been the final option and as hard as it has been I know that it was the right choose that Mike made. I feel like through the whole thing I was just totally let out of the loop with alot and it stuff that keeps popping out of the wood work. Do I feel stupid UM Ya! but that's how it goes. I will learn from it and so not look at loving someone the same way for all the hurt and emotional roller coaster rides are just not worth it. I thought in my head I knew what I needed I guess I was wrong and now it's time to change my way of thinking. Who knows what that might be but I'm going were I've never been before and scared to death. There's not time like the present:)

Letting go!

I let him go totally today. After 3 long weeks of texting and being told that what I am is just not enough for one person I guess my other personality took over and shut off all contact with him. I just cant even write about it yet. There will come a time and day that the feelings that I have right now will come pouring out and it will be the next step.

Really

Things happen not sure why but they do. I cant write about everyones life but mine I can. Shelby has finally gotten her a job YAH and thank god. She is doing good for once and Im getting proud of her everytime she gets it right. Lord knows she has had a hard time getting there but she's doing it. Ty is hanging with Travis this weekend UEA and I'm glad he is happy. Jessie is missing her dad so much but in a short time he will be back. The fish fry is going to be happening this weekend and I kinda excited for a get together.

New Beginings

So I have been thinking of all the little stuff in life. Its not what I have been waiting for but what I have been hoping for. The hope factor just hasn't been what it is all cracked up to be. Things that happen along the way of the hope road haven't been all that great to sum it up, but who is counting. Life is to short to hang onto the what ifs and hopes. Let's get back to the basics and just take it as it comes. Good or bad either way we all fall for something. The cold air has came and so has so many of my relationships. I look at it this way. You win some you loose some, but if they leave they must mot have been that great in the first place. Such as life :)

Tuesday 29 2009

Life is good. Ya, I'm testing my posative side.. I just want to know why and feel the I'm sorrys. I know it wont happen but of course one can hope. The course that I'm going to be trying this month is focus. I had a friend say you need to take the time and be who you are and relax enjoy and less thinking. This means Tylenol PM for sleep. I hate the feeling when your mind has so many thoughts rolling around that nothing makes sence. I do know when I get plenty of sleep I see the world in a whole different light. The wind is blowing and the trees are hitting the house some would be scared, but what I have been through in the last few weeks ya whatever. True love is something that you have to make happen it just dosen't do it all onit own. Words to live by.

Just a thought

When there are no words to express your self what are you left with. A whole bunch of sorrow and regret. One persons words are another ones thoughts. We wait so long for the perfect picture that its like trying to put a puzzle together one piece at a time. Little by little it will all come together as will time will heal the pain. No way could I keep up this pace for all time and eternity. Surely it is my time to have what I want and feel good about the decisions that I make in my little murky world. How is it that everyone has an opinion about the way I live who I date and why is it the people that we date seem to have there own little insecurities going on that travel into something that has nothing to do with the other person, and why not see the good that the person brings to the table. I don't get it and probably never will. Whatever!!!!

Ya know sometimes we feel comfort in others words even if we don't want to hear them its nice that they care enough to sit and listen. They put you at ease just by saying I'm here if you need anything. Knowing that someone cares means the whole world to people who need to feel stable and not crazy. I hate the game that is played between two people to push each other to see how far the other one will go. Sooner or later the game becomes more of a tug of war and not a relationship. Why even try the game all it does is hurt the pieces on the board.

Songs

All people who are hurting listen to songs and feel some comfort in the lyrics. Be it a county or 80 rock they all give us something with the hurtful tunes. When were in love there is a different feeling. I look back at everything that I have wrote in the past few weeks and think wow how negative I have been. This I need to turn around. Ive always tried to see the positive of life and negative kept kicking my ass. I love to love maybe this is my problem. They say you will find that if you stop trying and just be or some find it when there not even looking. I'm taking on a new job in my life and just going to live like everyday is my last for you day it might be. I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for me because my life hasn't gone the way that I thought it should and I think for me the laughter is my medicine to life. Went out with the girls last night and laughed so hard it felt so good and pumped me self back up. We all have our ups and downs I'm just hoping that I can learn from the downs. Just need to remember to laugh along the way!!!

Another day

Why is it that when you hurt the whole world seems differant? No one like the feeling so why is it that it even has to happen. I know for me I probly cause all the hurt that happens in m life. Control is a big part of it I guess. I mess up and become selfish. I am who I am.....

Thursday Night

As the day and the night come to an end I sit back and think what are we really all doing. I guess everyone has to make their choices I choose to be happy!!!!

Believe

Never believe in the things that you hear for one day they can bite you in the ass. Never trust someone that says one thing but yet does another in spike of the wool they pullover your eyes. Trust should be a four letter word because that's what you get. Love does not exist nor will it ever in this life time. Broken hearts and scares that never heal are today's in thing. When someone tells you that your right but this isn't the time for them then that's something you can believe.. O ya then there's hope to think that it comes about it doesn't its just along and painful climb to a very hard fall. Journey we all have them and this is one of my many that I choose to take despite all the words and promises that had been spoke of. Past yes it follows you everywhere and never goes away for the past is what has made the person I am today. Spiteful!!!!