Tuesday 29 2009

Life is good. Ya, I'm testing my posative side.. I just want to know why and feel the I'm sorrys. I know it wont happen but of course one can hope. The course that I'm going to be trying this month is focus. I had a friend say you need to take the time and be who you are and relax enjoy and less thinking. This means Tylenol PM for sleep. I hate the feeling when your mind has so many thoughts rolling around that nothing makes sence. I do know when I get plenty of sleep I see the world in a whole different light. The wind is blowing and the trees are hitting the house some would be scared, but what I have been through in the last few weeks ya whatever. True love is something that you have to make happen it just dosen't do it all onit own. Words to live by.

Just a thought

When there are no words to express your self what are you left with. A whole bunch of sorrow and regret. One persons words are another ones thoughts. We wait so long for the perfect picture that its like trying to put a puzzle together one piece at a time. Little by little it will all come together as will time will heal the pain. No way could I keep up this pace for all time and eternity. Surely it is my time to have what I want and feel good about the decisions that I make in my little murky world. How is it that everyone has an opinion about the way I live who I date and why is it the people that we date seem to have there own little insecurities going on that travel into something that has nothing to do with the other person, and why not see the good that the person brings to the table. I don't get it and probably never will. Whatever!!!!

Ya know sometimes we feel comfort in others words even if we don't want to hear them its nice that they care enough to sit and listen. They put you at ease just by saying I'm here if you need anything. Knowing that someone cares means the whole world to people who need to feel stable and not crazy. I hate the game that is played between two people to push each other to see how far the other one will go. Sooner or later the game becomes more of a tug of war and not a relationship. Why even try the game all it does is hurt the pieces on the board.

Songs

All people who are hurting listen to songs and feel some comfort in the lyrics. Be it a county or 80 rock they all give us something with the hurtful tunes. When were in love there is a different feeling. I look back at everything that I have wrote in the past few weeks and think wow how negative I have been. This I need to turn around. Ive always tried to see the positive of life and negative kept kicking my ass. I love to love maybe this is my problem. They say you will find that if you stop trying and just be or some find it when there not even looking. I'm taking on a new job in my life and just going to live like everyday is my last for you day it might be. I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for me because my life hasn't gone the way that I thought it should and I think for me the laughter is my medicine to life. Went out with the girls last night and laughed so hard it felt so good and pumped me self back up. We all have our ups and downs I'm just hoping that I can learn from the downs. Just need to remember to laugh along the way!!!

Another day

Why is it that when you hurt the whole world seems differant? No one like the feeling so why is it that it even has to happen. I know for me I probly cause all the hurt that happens in m life. Control is a big part of it I guess. I mess up and become selfish. I am who I am.....

Thursday Night

As the day and the night come to an end I sit back and think what are we really all doing. I guess everyone has to make their choices I choose to be happy!!!!

Believe

Never believe in the things that you hear for one day they can bite you in the ass. Never trust someone that says one thing but yet does another in spike of the wool they pullover your eyes. Trust should be a four letter word because that's what you get. Love does not exist nor will it ever in this life time. Broken hearts and scares that never heal are today's in thing. When someone tells you that your right but this isn't the time for them then that's something you can believe.. O ya then there's hope to think that it comes about it doesn't its just along and painful climb to a very hard fall. Journey we all have them and this is one of my many that I choose to take despite all the words and promises that had been spoke of. Past yes it follows you everywhere and never goes away for the past is what has made the person I am today. Spiteful!!!!

Self

So my last two days of getting plenty of sleep and doing some serious soul searching has taken me to a peaceful place I guess you could say. I always thought that I had to have some to make me happy in life and it all came about that it is me that has to make that happen.:) There are times in every ones life's that we rely on someones to bring something to the table that we have always wanted needed or desired. The thing that we forget is that we are our own happiness..... I never thought that loving someone so much could pull each other apart. You either have to become that person's personality or just be who you are but why change who you are that's the person they fell in love with the first time. Old loves new loves they all have there different spins in your life's be it good or bad. Its the bad that we always choice to remember and the good gets set aside. Laughing is the key to being at least happy for the most part. I tend to set my sites on the future way before it has even happened and in that time when it doesn't go my way get discouraged. lol I know crazy but I'm only human. The taking it day by day is just a phrase that people put out there to let others know that your not waiting for a future. My job in life is to be strong and NOT weak to be real and NOT ok if it means that much to you. Take life as if you will never see the next day..

sleep

Always waiting for a man. When will I ever learn?

The mind!

Why is it that our insecurity always get the best of us? We all have them at some point and time in our life's. The first sign of a change in a person brings up signs and the our thoughts go running. I think it is from the time that we start falling for someone fast and hard then we feel comfortable we are good in what the relationship has to offer. Its the times that we become insecure with our self's is when it rolls onto something or someone else. Your first loves you feel like they will never leave and you have no worries its at that point when we have been put to the test and the anger comes out. We really never heal from that until someone can comfort those thoughts. Lets stop thinking of the what ifs and live in the now, let it be what it is and take comfort in that.

Sleepless

My thoughts are driving me crazy. The more I try to lay down and get rest the more they just run. There is so much going through them that I cant trust my judgement any more. They say to follow your instincts but doing that seems to end me up in places that do not make sense in the end. Do we make our self's out to be victims on our own or is that the way that it happens. Life is a funny thing when you think about it. The road that is paved for what we want only happens when we let it I guess. My road is becoming a 2way instead of a 4 way. I want the whole damn road and just not sure if there is help to move it back to it. Someone told me that I think to much and the conclusion that I cam to was, the only time I think is when I feel that it is out of my control. Why is there such a thing as a time frame when we have the whole thing in our hand. I'll tell you my version, it's because we decided that what we have will eventually change and life as we know it will become what we want. Ya, I know!!!!

I've always been good at giving advise to other but never following my own. I have been through alot and done alot that as a person I'm not proud of but through it all the sad part is I still don't have the answers for myself. Even when I ask for advise in any question I still think that what they are telling me is not the way it is. Trying to work through this has been such a challenge, to put it mildly a royal pain in my ass. When is it my time to have what I want and what I need. Same question just another day work through it day!!!!!

How do you know when it is right!!

In my way of thinking when the right person comes along you have this feeling of completion. I could care less of how long the relationship has been going on be it 1 month or a year if it is right it is worth it. They have to be your best friend, lover, partner and yes the love making is all part of this package. I DON'T want it to be all about the sex it has to be something more. You can always fall into the one loving more then the other and I think at that point it's time to move on. You know it won't work because it will never change then you are in something that you feel like you have to stick out just because. Been there done that. I want a pusher one that pushes me along and is side by side with me. I want someone that wants to be with me as much as I want them and our goals towards life are the same. Do I want a marriage again absolutely. I am a more loving and better wife then I am a girlfriend that i have seen. I always give 100% until I see that it is one way then I'm done trying because I don't see nothing back. Take me or leave me this is who I am.