Fact or Fiction

Wow! I'm at a lose for words today. Dating is something that is a game that I'm finding out. You either love it or you hate it. Hate the game not the player.. This is true:) Finding out that relationships are worth fighting for because on the flip side single you have to mingle and truly I mingle all day that I just want one person to come home to and listen and wrap there arms around me and not have to see who's going to text or who is going to call. Like having the time alone but it gets pretty lonely when your in your time of need . I want to believe that there is one person out there for me but the circle is getting smaller. You have to weed out the ones that are not your type after a couple of weeks of texting and a few dates with them then you think ya this is not the one. Why is it the one that you love never loves you back and why is it that love is only a word anymore?????????

Ya thats what I thought

I truly thought that people could be friends until there not. When shit gets said and your friend is there but doesn't back you up what is that call?? No friend at all. Over the last month my life has done a full circle as far as how trusting people there is now way in hell it will happen again. I thought I knew who they all were guess I was mistaken...... Won't happen again. My dating life is not going to happen no man can be trusted at all.

Ya, that's what I said!!!

So my lastnight was hell. Got to sleep a 3 then up at 6. My ass was kicked before the day even started. My friend brought me back to life and the day seemed so much better. I had a lunch date with someone that I had been set up with through my boss and pretty damn nervous for it but went with a good attitude and had a great time. Laughing and talking and thinking wow is this what a true date is never really been on any without falling head over heals. Turned out that laughing and talking for that hour was nice and relaxing. I came to the conclusion that there is only one person that should make me feel like hell and that's me. My mouth and fingers took over my texting ability and wrote zinger that I didn't know I had anymore. Im tired of being walked on and talked about the games are high school stints and of course I did it. I feel bad for it for this is not me but it felt so good to let it out. If the person dosen't want to talk then he can read them and read i'm sure he did.

There have been so many people tell me that I just wasn't the same as I was and Mike E. said what happened to you were did the fun posative person go and when does she plan on coming back. I never thought that so many people could tell a person by there emotions but I guess you can. I took a long hard look at it till 3 in the morning and went holy shit Sam would not let this happen over and over and you know what I didn't ha..... Sam is back :)

Again

Tell me please when will I smile and laugh again. I go through stages all the time . I cry and I'm pissed. I'm pissed then I cry. I just want to stop hurting and the roller coaster ride that so many people have shared with me. Thanks for the people who have supported me and sat with me in my time of being in a rut......

Feeling for that someone

Why is it when you feel something for someone then your world changes but only for the time that you feel. When you stop to think about it then it all changes again. When you think about it that's just what we do. Think to much! I have let go of so many things in such a short period of time that my head feels like spinning off. I miss the people that came and went so fast but made an impact on me and glad that they were there for me . I wouldn't have made it without them. For the last couple of weeks the numbness has settled in and reality has finally hit , letting goes has been the final option and as hard as it has been I know that it was the right choose that Mike made. I feel like through the whole thing I was just totally let out of the loop with alot and it stuff that keeps popping out of the wood work. Do I feel stupid UM Ya! but that's how it goes. I will learn from it and so not look at loving someone the same way for all the hurt and emotional roller coaster rides are just not worth it. I thought in my head I knew what I needed I guess I was wrong and now it's time to change my way of thinking. Who knows what that might be but I'm going were I've never been before and scared to death. There's not time like the present:)

Letting go!

I let him go totally today. After 3 long weeks of texting and being told that what I am is just not enough for one person I guess my other personality took over and shut off all contact with him. I just cant even write about it yet. There will come a time and day that the feelings that I have right now will come pouring out and it will be the next step.

Really

Things happen not sure why but they do. I cant write about everyones life but mine I can. Shelby has finally gotten her a job YAH and thank god. She is doing good for once and Im getting proud of her everytime she gets it right. Lord knows she has had a hard time getting there but she's doing it. Ty is hanging with Travis this weekend UEA and I'm glad he is happy. Jessie is missing her dad so much but in a short time he will be back. The fish fry is going to be happening this weekend and I kinda excited for a get together.

New Beginings

So I have been thinking of all the little stuff in life. Its not what I have been waiting for but what I have been hoping for. The hope factor just hasn't been what it is all cracked up to be. Things that happen along the way of the hope road haven't been all that great to sum it up, but who is counting. Life is to short to hang onto the what ifs and hopes. Let's get back to the basics and just take it as it comes. Good or bad either way we all fall for something. The cold air has came and so has so many of my relationships. I look at it this way. You win some you loose some, but if they leave they must mot have been that great in the first place. Such as life :)

Tuesday 29 2009

Life is good. Ya, I'm testing my posative side.. I just want to know why and feel the I'm sorrys. I know it wont happen but of course one can hope. The course that I'm going to be trying this month is focus. I had a friend say you need to take the time and be who you are and relax enjoy and less thinking. This means Tylenol PM for sleep. I hate the feeling when your mind has so many thoughts rolling around that nothing makes sence. I do know when I get plenty of sleep I see the world in a whole different light. The wind is blowing and the trees are hitting the house some would be scared, but what I have been through in the last few weeks ya whatever. True love is something that you have to make happen it just dosen't do it all onit own. Words to live by.

Just a thought

When there are no words to express your self what are you left with. A whole bunch of sorrow and regret. One persons words are another ones thoughts. We wait so long for the perfect picture that its like trying to put a puzzle together one piece at a time. Little by little it will all come together as will time will heal the pain. No way could I keep up this pace for all time and eternity. Surely it is my time to have what I want and feel good about the decisions that I make in my little murky world. How is it that everyone has an opinion about the way I live who I date and why is it the people that we date seem to have there own little insecurities going on that travel into something that has nothing to do with the other person, and why not see the good that the person brings to the table. I don't get it and probably never will. Whatever!!!!

Ya know sometimes we feel comfort in others words even if we don't want to hear them its nice that they care enough to sit and listen. They put you at ease just by saying I'm here if you need anything. Knowing that someone cares means the whole world to people who need to feel stable and not crazy. I hate the game that is played between two people to push each other to see how far the other one will go. Sooner or later the game becomes more of a tug of war and not a relationship. Why even try the game all it does is hurt the pieces on the board.

Songs

All people who are hurting listen to songs and feel some comfort in the lyrics. Be it a county or 80 rock they all give us something with the hurtful tunes. When were in love there is a different feeling. I look back at everything that I have wrote in the past few weeks and think wow how negative I have been. This I need to turn around. Ive always tried to see the positive of life and negative kept kicking my ass. I love to love maybe this is my problem. They say you will find that if you stop trying and just be or some find it when there not even looking. I'm taking on a new job in my life and just going to live like everyday is my last for you day it might be. I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for me because my life hasn't gone the way that I thought it should and I think for me the laughter is my medicine to life. Went out with the girls last night and laughed so hard it felt so good and pumped me self back up. We all have our ups and downs I'm just hoping that I can learn from the downs. Just need to remember to laugh along the way!!!

Another day

Why is it that when you hurt the whole world seems differant? No one like the feeling so why is it that it even has to happen. I know for me I probly cause all the hurt that happens in m life. Control is a big part of it I guess. I mess up and become selfish. I am who I am.....

Thursday Night

As the day and the night come to an end I sit back and think what are we really all doing. I guess everyone has to make their choices I choose to be happy!!!!

Believe

Never believe in the things that you hear for one day they can bite you in the ass. Never trust someone that says one thing but yet does another in spike of the wool they pullover your eyes. Trust should be a four letter word because that's what you get. Love does not exist nor will it ever in this life time. Broken hearts and scares that never heal are today's in thing. When someone tells you that your right but this isn't the time for them then that's something you can believe.. O ya then there's hope to think that it comes about it doesn't its just along and painful climb to a very hard fall. Journey we all have them and this is one of my many that I choose to take despite all the words and promises that had been spoke of. Past yes it follows you everywhere and never goes away for the past is what has made the person I am today. Spiteful!!!!

Self

So my last two days of getting plenty of sleep and doing some serious soul searching has taken me to a peaceful place I guess you could say. I always thought that I had to have some to make me happy in life and it all came about that it is me that has to make that happen.:) There are times in every ones life's that we rely on someones to bring something to the table that we have always wanted needed or desired. The thing that we forget is that we are our own happiness..... I never thought that loving someone so much could pull each other apart. You either have to become that person's personality or just be who you are but why change who you are that's the person they fell in love with the first time. Old loves new loves they all have there different spins in your life's be it good or bad. Its the bad that we always choice to remember and the good gets set aside. Laughing is the key to being at least happy for the most part. I tend to set my sites on the future way before it has even happened and in that time when it doesn't go my way get discouraged. lol I know crazy but I'm only human. The taking it day by day is just a phrase that people put out there to let others know that your not waiting for a future. My job in life is to be strong and NOT weak to be real and NOT ok if it means that much to you. Take life as if you will never see the next day..

sleep

Always waiting for a man. When will I ever learn?

The mind!

Why is it that our insecurity always get the best of us? We all have them at some point and time in our life's. The first sign of a change in a person brings up signs and the our thoughts go running. I think it is from the time that we start falling for someone fast and hard then we feel comfortable we are good in what the relationship has to offer. Its the times that we become insecure with our self's is when it rolls onto something or someone else. Your first loves you feel like they will never leave and you have no worries its at that point when we have been put to the test and the anger comes out. We really never heal from that until someone can comfort those thoughts. Lets stop thinking of the what ifs and live in the now, let it be what it is and take comfort in that.

Sleepless

My thoughts are driving me crazy. The more I try to lay down and get rest the more they just run. There is so much going through them that I cant trust my judgement any more. They say to follow your instincts but doing that seems to end me up in places that do not make sense in the end. Do we make our self's out to be victims on our own or is that the way that it happens. Life is a funny thing when you think about it. The road that is paved for what we want only happens when we let it I guess. My road is becoming a 2way instead of a 4 way. I want the whole damn road and just not sure if there is help to move it back to it. Someone told me that I think to much and the conclusion that I cam to was, the only time I think is when I feel that it is out of my control. Why is there such a thing as a time frame when we have the whole thing in our hand. I'll tell you my version, it's because we decided that what we have will eventually change and life as we know it will become what we want. Ya, I know!!!!

I've always been good at giving advise to other but never following my own. I have been through alot and done alot that as a person I'm not proud of but through it all the sad part is I still don't have the answers for myself. Even when I ask for advise in any question I still think that what they are telling me is not the way it is. Trying to work through this has been such a challenge, to put it mildly a royal pain in my ass. When is it my time to have what I want and what I need. Same question just another day work through it day!!!!!

How do you know when it is right!!

In my way of thinking when the right person comes along you have this feeling of completion. I could care less of how long the relationship has been going on be it 1 month or a year if it is right it is worth it. They have to be your best friend, lover, partner and yes the love making is all part of this package. I DON'T want it to be all about the sex it has to be something more. You can always fall into the one loving more then the other and I think at that point it's time to move on. You know it won't work because it will never change then you are in something that you feel like you have to stick out just because. Been there done that. I want a pusher one that pushes me along and is side by side with me. I want someone that wants to be with me as much as I want them and our goals towards life are the same. Do I want a marriage again absolutely. I am a more loving and better wife then I am a girlfriend that i have seen. I always give 100% until I see that it is one way then I'm done trying because I don't see nothing back. Take me or leave me this is who I am.

The diary of a mad white woman

ok so what the hell. Men drive me crazy. You think that want one thing then its not what they really want. I either suck at relationships or just cant take them at face value. I sit here trying o figure out what i need to do to make a relationship be what it is suppose to be. I push thats what I do. Why im truly not sure just wish I didnt. Feeling sorry for my self doesnt seem to be the trick to the whole game. or is it just what happens when the insucrity hits you.. I need to feel secure in relationships then I love them. Do we all have them or is it just me??????

Time heals all wounds but I never get around to healing to know if that statement is true or not. Its not the thought of being alone its just wanting to be with someone and spending your time with the one. How do we know if the one is it?? I keep asking that alot. I always second guess myself just because its my nature. There are times that I just don't want to be here and go through the same shit for the curse that I have set myself up for time and time again. If ther is one thng that goes my way in life I would be a happy camper. Life has its challenges but Im getting pretty sick and tired of the course that this life had me on. Pitty is not what I want but answers to a screwed up world that I have created.

Have you ever wondered where your life is going and what is going to take place in it? I catch my self doing this alot. It's not that i wish its if my wishes come true. I focus on things that I should put aside and focus more on whats at hand. I have all these things that go through my head that I need to stop them and just live. Tyson is finally coming home to stay with me instead of staying with his dad and now I have to be the mom that he needs. School is just around the corner and the summer has gone so fast. I have been this person that has needed someone to make me feel instead of it being upon me to have it take place. My past relationships have prevented me from being the person that I am with everyone else that I come in contact with. Why is this? I find that the person that I am with now has shown me that being me is not a bad thing at all. The smart ass that I am the strong headed, out of control, sometimes unfocused and ya the low self esteem. Wow I think I would run!!!! This is all sounding like a big package to take on.

So ok my question is how in the hell do you tell someone that they make BIG mistakes and they need to get there shit together. All in a nice way? I've never been one to just come out and say what I need to say at the time that it needs to be said. I'm the type of person that there feelings mean more to me then flat out telling them the truth. No one wants to be hurt but I know that in general when you need to do it get it done. Life passes by so fast that we take the things that we know and stick with it. They say that it is easier to hurt the ones that you love then it is the other outside of the box. I guess because you know that or you think that they will always love you no matter what. I have said things to the one that I love to switch my anger to the other then dealing with the one that it is direct to. It's stop here and now. No one ever wins and I come out losing.

Looking at the BIG picture!

So by now I see that a few people have been reading this little tid bit of information that I have been leaving behind. Life is not as easy as one would think it should be. The things we want for ourselves are at the tip of our finger but we just have no clue on how to achive them. I guess you could say that life is a learning curve. I have had my guard up for so long that it is hard for me to see when to let it fall at the time that it is needed. There is no trying for me to be happy any more or wondering when it will happen. It seems that all of the things that I have hoped and dreamed about are finally falling into place. It has taken me time to look back and see that the impossible is taken place and now it is time to enjoy what life has to offer. Rough or smooth I wouldnt change a thing looking back on it all now. Shelby is so going to have a ride of life if she doesnt change what she has going on. I hope for the best with her and love her for the strong willed woman that she has become and is becoming. Tyson is another story. He is the boy that is out to please others even if he hates to. He is going to be fine and kind hearted as always. Jess well she is a little Rod.

So I guess that I am NOT relationship material. I decided the best thing for me is to just stay drunk the rest of my days. Just kidding!!!! I wish that I could get my shit together and enjoy what I have. My house is coming along and I was hoping well I need to be in the end of this month what a pain.

Don't live for the future, live for the now.

Why is it that when we think we have it all figured out then something comes along and changes it all over again. That seems be the story of my life. I was told by a friend that the best thing to do is just be with myself . I know what she is telling me is what I need to hear, its the understanding that I have a problem with. I had my break down Sat night when I was yes, by myself. Had dinner with the girls then beer at the owl and just didn't feel like I fit there anymore. I guess it is time to do something different.

Well here I am again.. SINGLE of course and as always hating it. It just seems like I can not get my life together at all. I always think that im doing the right thing but find out later that there is never the right thing. I'm so tired of hurting and crying , when is it time for it all to stop and just be????

Some day I will get what I think I need and deserve, when that will be I have no idea its not like I'm not getting younger or smarter. My whole adult life I have struggled with ME. I have no idea where to begin anything. I just wanted to have this not perfect but put together relationship and I can't seem to keep any of them. I turn to people that I think I can trust, I get my heart broke or better yet fried. I just need someone to ground me and let me be me.

When will it be my turn for just the calm. I have three great kids and love them all. Ty wants to go live with his dad and I'm ok with that. I think that he needs him more then he needs me at this point in his life. Shelby I'm hoping for the best. She is the whole package for some great guy if she would just let herself be. Jessie is a handful at times but I'm thankful for that also.

I am a person that needs to have someone in my life because I want to spend it with a great guy that can handle me and the package that I bring to the table. I want the kids to feel like that can do anything that I want to. Enough of my going on and on and on. Till I have another break day which I'm sure will be later tonight.....

Kids!

OK, I really love my kids but it seems that the more I give them they more they want. (I think ).I'm a mother who is always trying to please and get nothing in return Ya, I know im the mom. Shelby is 17 going on so she thinks 25 and Ty is 14 going pretty normal then comes Ms. Moss the boss so she thinks who is 7 going on whatever she is feeling at the time. All have there personalities that are great they are sometimes more then I can handle at the same time. Lord help me.

WEEKEND!

Yeah, the weekend is finally here. It is going to be great. Ty is going snowboarding and who knows what Shelby has planned I'm sure alot. Me and the rest of the clan will have to take it day by day. Till Monday.......

My life in the fast lane...

Ya, I guess you could say that I have know idea what I am doing with any of this blog or my face but it sure is fun to try it out. The holidays were great and I hope that the kids received everything that there hearts desired because my checkbook is empty...